What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 03:57
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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My life is so biszare .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
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I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was in good health!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
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He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Put me off passion for life!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She wouldn,t have been !
So whats the point in blame.
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is soul school!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.